


Your Hands, They Burn Like Mine

by labicheramure



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Body Horror, F/F, Gen, Menstruation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-25 23:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/958644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labicheramure/pseuds/labicheramure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wanted to devour her. Buried in all that flesh was a woman like her, a woman who used her body like a weapon, who killed with the same sort of precise violence that Erin had always felt at her own fingertips. How many questions she longed to ask this woman! How she wanted to open that body up, to peer at its insides, to understand its perfection. To eat that flesh, a mirror of her own, and be full on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Hands, They Burn Like Mine

"It's your choice, Erin. You either keep going, or change. I won't stop you either way."

"Sir!"

The others in the squad were panicking, talking over each other in trying to shout about how much of a bad idea this was. But Erin had heard all she needed to. The Corporal was trusting her, and she wouldn't let him down. She gave one last look back at the other female titan behind her, held her wrist to her mouth, and bit down.

For a moment, nothing existed at all. Her body was warm warm warm, wrapped up in the damp, womb-like safety of Titan flesh. Her mind flew away from her, floating around thoughts of what she ate for breakfast, how cold it had been in her last bath. When she finally came back down, and opened her eyes, the female titan was already rushing at her. Just in time, she managed to bring her knee up into the titan's chest, stunning her long enough for Erin to throw a punch into her jaw. Flesh and blood flew from her mouth as Erin's fist connected, and she stumbled, her back hitting a tree. A beautiful exhilaration filled her as she saw the Titan look up at her, steam rising from her torn face as it knit itself back together.

Levi was yelling something below her. She turned around, just in time for the Titan woman to return the favor, slamming her fist into her cheek, whipping her head back so hard she wondered for a moment if it had been knocked off. As she regained her bearings, she managed to hear what the corporal was saying, shouting at her from a nearby branch.

"Run! You stupid--! Now!"

Erin hesitated a moment. She thought she was doing fine, sure she'd taken a few hits, but she'd have the female titan on the ropes in no time, she was sure.

"That's an order!"

But he was the corporal, so he had a plan, and so she ran. Erin could here the titan's footsteps thundering behind her, the heat of her still-healing flesh pressing against her back. She ran faster. This body wasn't like her small one, it didn't get tired, but there was only so much air she could pull into even these massive lungs. Steam rose from her mouth as she panted, pressing forward, forward, running not so much because of the order but for the sheer thrill of it, the struggle, the high of the hunt. 

Erin was so worked up that it was only sheer luck that prevented her from running directly into the tree that had suddenly appeared in the middle of the road. She turned, her back to it, and froze as the female titan dove at her, a split second of an almost fearful expression appearing on her face. They slammed together into the tree, her arms going around Erin before she could stop her. 

"Fire!"

In the next moment, all Erin knew was pain.

Arrow-tipped cables flew at them from all sides, burying themselves into her flesh before she or the female titan could react. The titan's hand closed over her nape, and without even thinking, Erin did the same, protecting her neck as arrows lodged themselves between the joints of her fingers. She felt her muscles freezing in place with every second as they healed over the arrows, and a strange, animal terror overtook her. Unable to move anything but her head, she opened her mouth, and screamed. 

\------

She dreamed memories, her scream still ringing in her ears, the rest of the world far away below her. 

She dreamed of her third night in the Scouting Legion's cold castle dungeon, waking up with skin slick with sweat, the sheets between her legs wet, sticking to her thighs. She knew what it was before she turned on the lamp, but still Erin swore when she saw the bright spot of red below her. 

The only thing she had in her cell was an extra gown, filthy civilian clothes of indeterminate origin. This she folded and lay on the wet spot, then lay herself over it, and returned to a fitful sleep. 

She was woken up by the corporal, standing outside her cell, a disgust to his expression that he hid poorly. Of course. Levi did not like dirty things, after all. Humiliated in a way she hasn't felt since the court martial, she held his gaze for a long while. Like this, her only weapon was her pride, and she intended to use it to its fullest. Putting down his lantern, Levi sighed, grumbling something to himself that Erin only barely heard.

"Guess you're a woman too, huh..." He spoke as if it hadn't occurred to him, but she wasn't insulted, even if a monster was the first thing she was in his mind. Still uncomfortably aware of the mess between her legs, she shifted a little.

"Ah, sir?"

"Go on and get up, then," he said, unlocking her cell door. "Go clean up in the washroom, and be quick about it. I'll have Petra bring down something for you to wear and whatever the Hell you women use to deal with this."

"Belts, sir."

Levi waved dismissively, already halfway up the stairs. As soon as she was sure he was gone, Erin gingerly stumbled her way to the dungeon's tiny washroom, more a piss-closet, as the corporal put it, than anything else. But there was water still there from her bath last night, cold as ice, bar of lye soap still laying at the bottom where she left it. She poured in the unused pitcher of water from last night, watching it turn the slightly brown water a little lighter. She didn't even bother to remove her clothes before stepping in; they would have to be washed too, after all. Instead, she sat herself down all at once, shivering as she watched her gown billow out, like a red-white water lily. 

Erin had been later to start than anyone else in her bunk. Ymir was already on her cycle when they entered training, smoothly working through it each month as if it didn't even bother her. When Mikasa began next, Sasha gave her a bunch of dried up bark that she said would help with the pain if she boiled it into a tea. Erin tried it along with her and nearly spat it out, for how bitter it was. Her sister drank it without complaint, though she never said whether it helped or not, or whether it even hurt. Annie did not start until long after Mikasa, though it was a long while after that before Erin found out, catching her in the bunk after combat practice spitting into a bright red spot on her uniform pants.

"It breaks the blood down," she explained, dipping it into a dish of already reddening water. Sure enough, the stain was slowly fading. 

"Does it hurt?"

Annie gave her that look she liked to use, the one that said that Erin was quite stupid and now she was going to tell her exactly why. 

"There's not a whole lot of things in life that don't," she said, laying back on her bed. "There's a lot of pain worse than this."

"Sasha says it's like carrying stones in your belly."

The smallest, strangest smile appeared on Annie's face. 

"Worse burdens than that, too. People who really hurt don't complain about cramps."

Erin thought that was a cold and dismissive thing to say, and just like Annie too. But she was also thinking about Mikasa, and how she had never said a word about hers, though she knew it had to hurt, had seen her holding her belly like a child late at night, her eyes shut tight in pain. Had she felt worse before then, and now her body's internal rebellion was nothing in comparison? When the time came for hers, would she open her mouth to complain?

\----

When Erin was aware of things again, there were too many voices around her. People were yelling, talking over each other, panicking, over something. She opened her eyes to the female titan's face, staring up at her, her heavy eyes belying an exhaustion that couldn't be matched. They were close enough to feel each other's breath, for Erin to feel the titan's breasts pressed up against hers, as hard and muscular as hers were soft and fatty. Even as a giant, those useless bags of meat stuck to her, interrupting the neat flow of her muscles with their obscene weight. 

Someone was calling her name. Turning, she saw Levi, standing on a branch only a little below her head, his dark eyes pinning her in place more effectively than a million arrows. Her stomach dropped out. He had trusted her to fight the female titan, to obey orders and not fuck it up. And now here she was, caught in the trap meant for her, wrapped up without a way out for either of them. 

"What happened here?" The Commander was asking, looking them over with an expression as cold as his Corporal's. Levi scowled, but it was directed away from her. 

"Your idiot men shot at the first titan they saw with tits, that's what." 

"They responded exactly as they should have," said Erwin, impatient. "What I want to know is why you let her change."

"We got her, right? She's stuck to the brat, but that just means she can't do anything without risking her target." 

A series of whirrs and hisses around them signaled more people appearing in the clearing, blades out, probably brought here by her outburst, Erin realized. Hanji was among them, sliding in next to Levi with her typical oblivious carelessness. She whistled.

"Was that our girl making a noise like that?" she asked, trying to peer at Erin's face. She hid it in the female titan's shoulder. 

"She decided to throw a tantrum since things didn't go her way," said Levi disdainfully, though there was a bare hint of fondness in his voice. Hanji clicked her tongue.

"Poor baby." She turned to the Commander, who was looking at the female titan's neck with a thoughtful expression. "So what are we doing about this?"

"Did the hooks go all the way through Erin's hands?" He asked. "If they're in the titan's neck already, then we can cut her fingers away to get inside." 

Erin tested the muscles of her hands, frantically tugging at the cables. The only things she could move were her wrists and her left thumb. Everything else was frozen in place, stabbing pain the only thing there to remind her that these limbs were still hers.

"That'll take too long," said Levi. "The female titan's legs aren't pinned. We don't have much time before that bitch figures out a way to stand up." 

"I wonder why she hasn't already?" Hanji said, peering over Levi to look at their feet. "Are Eren's legs caging her in?"

They weren't. Erin's legs were free too, spread around the female titan's wide hips, only a bit of muscle on her thighs pinned to either side of her. If she worked, she could wrench them off, let them both free. She looked into the titan's eyes. There was fear there, spelled out in her blown pupils, the way her gaze darted from Levi and the Commander to Erin's face. She looked at her like she could speak with her eyes alone, eyes that said 'we're on the same side, you and I, help me' It was those eyes that made Erin's mind up for her. It wasn't pity that moved her to rise, but a desire to know the real words, the real motives, behind those eyes. 

The female titan gripped her neck as she stood, planting her feet into the ground to rise with her. The muscles on her sides were still frozen, so she leaned forward, her forehead pressed against Erin's shoulder, still pinned to the tree. Erin could feel her nails in both her napes, hardening, digging into her flesh. Her consciousness started to fall into her smaller body, making her aware of every inch of pressure exerted, every muscle and nerve that was severed. Shutting her small eyes tight, she dug her own nails into the meat she was buried in, biting in, clinging hard even as the bitter taste of herself spilled out on her tongue.

When she was aware of her large body again, her teeth were sunk into the female titan's jugular, pulling while the other woman screeched at her, her voice full of the trapped animal anguish that has driven Erin to cry out earlier. It hurt, in her ears and in her head, so she bit down harder, deeper, until she felt her teeth connect through the flesh and bone. She came away with most of the titan's throat in her mouth, the wound blanketed in steam before she could even get a proper look at the damage. Erin heard an inarticulate noise of frustration, the female titan opening her bloody mouth, grinding blunt, bone-white teeth against each other. As she swallowed her meat, purely on instinct, Erin felt an electric energy fill her, and realized the source of the female titan's frustration: this was no way to fight. So close they could feel each other's heartbeats, all they could do was frantically try to tear at each other, like twins in the womb, one ready to devour the other for survival. 

She wanted to devour her. Buried in all that flesh was a woman like her, a woman who used her body like a weapon, who killed with the same sort of precise violence that Erin had always felt at her own fingertips. How many questions she longed to ask this woman! How she wanted to open that body up, to peer at its insides, to understand its perfection. To eat that flesh, a mirror of her own, and be full on it. 

Her mouth latched onto the titan's shoulders, teeth sinking in deeper, deeper, tongue savoring the taste. She would know her, all of her. She would know everything.

\------

When she awoke, the world was far too cold. Someone had his arms wrapped around her, yanking her from the warm meat of her own body, his clothes wrapped in the scent of pine and sweat. Levi. His blades were out, probably used to pull her out of her titan, vanishing into steam as he pulled her up , carrying her like a child. Erin squirmed a moment, little noises of indignation rising in her before she caught the look he was giving her and went limp, like a kitten held by the scruff of its neck.

What happened?" Barely holding onto her conciousness, she looked out at the gathered crowd of soldiers, parting as Levi passed through them. Their eyes were trained on her, wide, frightened, as if they expected her to leap out of his arms and attack them. In her delirium, it made her want to laugh. 

"You tore that bitch's damn neck out with your teeth," he said, a combination of disgusted and impressed. "Went straight through the front to the back. Thought you'd fucking ate her."

"Oh." That explained the looks everyone was giving her, like she was gonna eat them up. She closed her eyes, tired, unwilling to meet anyone's gaze. "Did I?"

Levi was quiet a long moment, a strange quiet, that made her dread his answer. Erin suddenly recalled the taste of the titan woman's blood, spurting warm and fresh onto her tongue as she tore through her jugular. A wave of nausea rolled over her. 

"She's alive," he said finally. "We think."

Before Erin could ask what he meant by that, the scent and humidity of Titan steam hit her, making her skin, already too warm, break into filthy sweat. Her classmates were gathered around the source of it, silent, keeping their distance, their faces at once solemn and terrified. In the midst of the steam was a beautiful blue crystal, glinting like ice in the early evening sun. And in the crystal--

"Annie!"

Erin twisted out of Levi's arms, his shouts of protest drowned out by the pounding of blood in her ears. She could see the lines of Annie's face, softer than she had ever seen it, her fists closed over her chest, as if protecting her heart. She looked so small, even as Eren drew nearer, the heat coming off of her turning her face a boiling red. Up close, she could see bubbles in the crystal, as if Annie was floating in a glass sea. 

"Erin," Armin said, stepping forward, but not too close, blinking against the steam. "It's still too hot, get back."

She looked back at him, aghast that he would even consider such a thing at a time like this, when Annie was inside there, burning, maybe, even though she looked so cold. Defiantly, she reached out and placed her hand on it, flinching at the heat of it, like fresh-blown glass. She could smell her own skin burning, growing red and raw as she pressed harder against it, tears forming in her eyes. 

"Erin, no!"

"Are you crazy?"

"Stop it!"

Everyone was yelling at her, Armin sounding like he was near tears, terrified, somehow. Erin's mind was blank. Her hand tried to heal itself as it burned, but she wouldn't let it, pressing it in harder, scratching at the glassy surface. Annie was still silent, still sleeping. Annie, who had a hand just like hers, Annie, who has always been the same as Erin, always. Who had killed her comrades, swatted at them like flies. Annie, who looked her in the eyes and begged her to understand.

"I don't understand," Erin said quietly, pressing her head against the cooling crystal. "Annie, I don't understand."

"That's enough."

Levi hauled her to her feet, yanking her back as she struggled weakly. He dragged her away in silence, ignoring her attempts to stumble back towards the crystal, to reach out to Annie and touch her, just once more. If she could, she was sure she would be able to understand why she had done all this, what was so important about kidnapping Erin that she would do this if she failed.

"Do you hate talking to me that much?" she screamed with the last of her strength, slumping forward in Levi's arms. "I would had listened, I would have understood! I would have understood, Annie! I would have...."

Her breathing grown shallow, her energy far past overspent, Erin finally let her eyes flutter shut, her gaze held on Annie's face until the world faded away.


End file.
